


i grasp his hand tight and create an even bigger rift between our souls

by cmaHeal



Category: Twisted-Wonderland (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Jamil Viper (mentioned), M/M, i also have an ita bag, i was feeling a kalim mood today, not a ton of things went well but!! i have my circle and my circle has me, self indulgent bcuz my moods are either one scarabab or the other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:06:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28872792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cmaHeal/pseuds/cmaHeal
Summary: maybe one day he can finally tell a truth. he’s just... waiting for the right moment.don’t ask him when that is, because he doesn’t know himself.
Relationships: Kalim Al-Asim & Jamil Viper, Kalim Al-Asim/Jamil Viper
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	i grasp his hand tight and create an even bigger rift between our souls

**Author's Note:**

> ATTENTION: very self indulging here. only read on if you can forgive anything. everything is in lowercase bcuz im not up to feeling on track right now, so allow me some vulnerability here.
> 
> sometimes i ask myself what goes on in others heads. picking at people’s brains is hard to do figuratively. it’s even harder to do when you need to make an account of their thoughts in their perspective, but to keep it in character you also need to be vague as fuck about it.
> 
> monologues can be precious like that.

i've never felt so scared in all my life, not since the day i nearly lost you to your beloved meal.

that’s just one out of many memories, though, wasn’t it? many other times i had kept losing other pieces of yourself, too. i can't count how many we’ve left of you. i can’t count how many i’ve left of you. 

well, i think i've been trying to place pieces of you together. sometimes i run into a few questions. would this be utter disdain or nostalgic annoyance? would this be stunted feelings or tired entropy? would this be appreciation for spotlight or hindrance to private life?

the possibilities are endless. too endless. the more pieces i place together, the more blurred you seem to get. i remember i would tell myself that i know i've done something wrong once your image starts to align with  _ theirs _ .

i keep telling myself that, even now. that the sinking feeling in my chest is wrong, and the only way i can prove it’s wrong is to keep reminding myself of all the good you’ve done. the way you helped me and everyone else at the dorm. so many sacrifices you made, so little to make up for. the only direction to go is up from now.

and so even after, i'll tell myself that i'll be happy for you when you finally reach the top you deserve. when you've exhausted your options here and go on to finally pursue what you’ve always wanted, anywhere outside of this little hole i’ve trapped you in.

at least, if i keep telling myself that, it’ll hurt less when you’ve exhausted all of your options with me, too.

i can take something as small as that. i'm doing my best not to be insensitive anymore… you’ve got so much more on your plate to digest. so many issues to work through, so much discovering and introspecting too. it’ll be unfair if i just piled up more work onto you.

...this can’t be seen.

i mean, it’s not like i should be bothered to bother others, i think? it feels like another one of those “little details” that should be left out of tensions for the most part. like those other “little details” that no one can get.

even so, sometimes i’d just rather have someone to talk to. maybe this feeling is shared? understandable? i can’t explain it very well, but even if i know it’s just me… maybe i can find some solace in the fact that others will enjoy enough of their lives when they understand otherwise.

...yeah. this definitely cannot be seen, this is definitely going to go into the bin. not much other place for it, if i’m being honest with myself.

this could belong to you. but… i already said it was going into the bin. giving it to you right afterwards would just seem like i think the same qualities of the letter are both “bin-worthy” and “you-worthy”. it’ll end up sending the wrong signals again.

then again, i wouldn’t even have to choose if i just hadn’t noted it down. i did that to myself again.

… it’ll just be the same old routine where nothing in particular gets past this, huh.

maybe one day, this will feel less awkward and more satisfying. but for now… i’ll just wait as patiently as i can until the right moment comes.

...a bad idea to wait for the right moment, coming from a guy who has no time to lose.

maybe i can fill your tomorrow up with more happy memories, too.

those are the ones i want to see the most.

**Author's Note:**

> if that was a mishmash of emotions that didn’t make sense, then good. great. bcuz sometimes i can’t make sense of them either, but we write what we know and all i know is that very few things are said but many many more is understood between them.
> 
> chapter five, for example. don’t take these two at face value.
> 
> come find me on [@_cmaHeal](https://twitter.com/_cmaHeal) on twitter!


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